I understand that most people see through me. Even when they're looking straight at me in mid conversation that I'm more transparent to them because I don't throw myself out there as a individual.

I just wish I understood why that when I choose to be open and express myself that I typically don't get the reactions that I'm looking for.

Its too hard being twenty-six in a college town and trying have a social life while maintaining my responsibilities to school. Heck I'm not even in class and I still can't land a girl that see's me more than just one more of the many guys in a room that isn't desirable.

I suppose I'm just bummed because its been so long since I've had a girlfriend that wasn't based off spur of the moment feelings or a status that was only temporary. I consider most the girls I knew as a Marine as just flings. They saw a uniform, a status, and nothing in the middle. Yeah Marines are fun to date, but it never turned into anything serious and I was always dismissed as fast as I came into the picture.

I think that hurt my ability to date. That along with a serious list of trust issues I just find it near impossible to approach a girl without having extreme reservations telling me this is a bad idea. The one time I threw myself out there it backfired, although I admit now I was mistaken and should have known better. Stay away from the girls with boyfriends, even if they do throw mixed signals; sometimes girls don't know better.

But it's that type of attitude that does me in. I'm so pesimistic that I shoot myself in the foot and I know people see it a mile down the road. I think back before the Marines about how I use to be and I'm always reminded of something a friend of mine said. She told me, "Jeremiah you're too sweet to join the military, don't let them change you." Well its easy to say I let her down in just about every way possible.

I comfort myself in saying that:

I'm older than most of these girls, its to be expected.

After college things will be completely different.

Don't worry about dating too much right now, school is your priority. This is a once in a lifetime shot and if I screw this up where will you be in the future.

Don't try to force it, let fate take control and when the right one comes along things will happen when they're suppose to.




All of these things make sense because you're suppose of think these things after the fact, not in the moment when you're trying to live your life on a whim and enjoy the moment as its coming at you head on. I hate how I things in multiple perspectives and am able to analyze what will happen before it is even given the opportunity. I feel like I'm living a damn life insurance policy that is gaureenteed to cost me money yet never pay out because I play things so safe.

A lot of girls think I'm a jerk because I play the part of one . . . I'm just afraid to get hurt again.

Most people think I dont want to date. Uh I dont like sleeping alone every night if that's any indication.

I dunno its depressing, but what is worse is I have my foolish logic to comfort me;which reaffirms that it will all be okay. (that's the worst part)

Starting to workout again today.

Goal is to get down to 155-ish. At my unhealiest this past year I weighed 180+ and its something I'm not proud of. I could probably find a picture, but I like ppl to keep reading. Maybe after I have a 2nd one to go with it where it makes you think "wow fatty lost weight" I'll share.


I actually got down to 162 in May, but that's because I was studying 2-3 days straight and not mixing food in with the vast amounts of engineering finals that I was trying to study for and well bad things happened. I did not so well on all my tests and my grades took a slump for it (Almost all B's) I got an A in the one class I failed the final on. go figure


Anyways I need a shower so I'm making this short. Started running this morning. Still doing the pull ups and playing w/ the dumbells a bunchies. May suck it up and pay for the student recenter membership for the rest of the summer, but most likely because i want the pool access and its cheap fun as long as I use it.

Today I weigh 172lbs
Goal is to be 150-155 by the end of August.

Been hanging out w/ a friend of a friend how has now become just a friend.

He's a pretty cool to chill with. Drinks more than I would like, but I'm slowly getting sucked into the social atmosphere that results in Waffel house runs at 2am in the morning.

The only thing I dont like is the whole age thing. He's 20 and most of the friends I'm meeting around him are also that age.

I just wish I could meet people who are my age group who aren't married and do not have kids.

*sigh*


On the lighter side of life. I've won the war with my AC Unit. After chronic complaining to my landlord and I'm sure lots of AC repairman fee's I'm the proud tennant of a brand new Heil AC Unit that is ENergy Star compatible. My old one was 18 years old and I dont think they had energy star back then.

I'm happy

Cant sleep again.

Actually I was asleep quite nicely until thoughts kind if surfaced and I was awake with something on my mind. Usually that is how it works, right?

Anyways, it all seemed LiveJay worthy so here I am confessing once again my thoughts

Yesterday was a lot of fun, it reminded me that I have good friends, lots of opportunities and if I'm ever unhappy, its solely due to that I'm not looking hard enough at all the things I have in my life.

A quick run down of my day was: Running at 7:30 for a good 3 miles around the University campus, Breakfast at City Cafe, around 11:30 I got my hair cut and 12:30 I was working on my tan and then eating quiznos (yum). Later that afternoon I went to a friends apartment to lay by the pool and that was probably the best part of my day. She's a friend I've known for awhile and when we hang out we can just talk where I feel comfortable to say just about anything. That evening we did a Bham run to the Galleria mall and we spent a little money. I do plan in the next few days to go back to do some more hardcore shopping, when I dont have friends in tow.

I need to be asleep now though.

Tomorrow (well today) we're going back to the river to float down the river, which we did last week. It was a lot of fun so we're doing it again.

K, i'm going to check email and go back to bed. I've straightend up my apartment now so Maybe i'll be able to sleep.

Yesterday was a lot of fun. A friend of mine, along with a lot of his fellow coworkers decided to make a trip down to the Cahaba river to float for a few hours down some inner tubes. There was a little drama trying to get started, but after we got in the cold water it was all good times.

The ABC Board decided to camp out where we parked our cars so we weren't able to bring our coolers full of beer since that county is a dry county. (I dont understand this) My understanding of a dry county is that you cannot purchase it in that county, but does that mean you can't drink it? Anyways the two cops were writing out tickets to everyone in a group that was foolish enough to pull out a cooler w/ alcohol and they got some hefty tickets. We were smart about it, We knew that they would leave after we went up river. So all of us got in the pick up truck to start our float and two guys road back w/ the truck and sure enough ABC was gone. Loaded up some coolers and we were in buisness.

A lot of cute girls were with us and it kind of reminded me that I'm not broken in the dating game, I just don't get out enough to be a MVP at it. I just wish during school I was better at balancing school, responsibility and social activies. Who knows, it could happen.

So I want to be a kid again. Not litterally, but I do miss being younger. Like when i was around 12 and 13 I had long hair. Oh how I wish I had long hair again.

I know this is absoutly stupid and almost impossible for me to do, but I want to let it grow out again. Now I know that hair only grow's about half an inch a month, and that's 6 inches a year, but I want to have long blonde hair again.

Is that crazy? Would it be socially acceptable in the working world, college, interviews? Mind you I'm studying to be an engineer so professional interviews are just around the corner. Should I embrase my receeding hairline and accept the fact that my hair is slowly leaving me?

Its this a mid-midlife crysis?

Some pictures perhaps?




This one i'm in the foreground, Brother is behind me





This one i'm on the right side of the picture, Love some Corn






this is a photo shopped picture, but I just think its awesome, (this was after I cut most my hair off in high school)







Dont get me wrong, I dont want another bowl cut, I just want hair that I can pull on, I dunno I'm having a stupid night where I should be in bed.

One of the many things I look forward to each year is E3. I won't go into details what E3 is, because if you dont know you won't care. But in short its a big video game nerd fest.


Just a little back story to make you understand all this, I'm a huge Final Fantasy fan. Unfortunately I didnt get pulled into the franchise until FF VII, but since then I've gone back and played them all. Enough there.

Last year all I wanted to hear from E3 was Final a little something something about Final Fantasy XIII (FF13). What I recieved was like an M&M when I really wanted a whole pound bag of M&M's. Disappointing to say the least.

Well this year I know FF13 is coming out next Spring in North America and I've already braced myself that I have to wait. What I wanted to hear this year was something about Codename: Rapture.

It was suppose to be a secret game they were working on that was a follow up to FF XI online, but Square-Enix are the ultimate secret keepers of the world so I was once again trying to survive while starving on that one M&M while staring at the bag.

But they didnt disappoint this year. WOOOT! Not only did they remove the secret title, but Final Fantasy XIV (FF14) Has been declared an online MMO and is set for 2010 release also. DOUBLE FINAL FANTASY in 2010. I swear I could of jumped over the moon at that moment, but i was so fixed on my tv. I ♥ you Final Fantasy Series and I'm not ashamed to say it!!!!

Today I am going to try to be a good son and go see my father.

::Pause::

The last time he actually called me was for my birthday in which was to inform me my birthday card would be late and to lay on a guilt trip last minute that my grandmother had just gotten out of the hospital after having surgery. Now I realize this paints me as a bad son for not being there, but I did not find out until the day she was getting out of the hospital. That did not stop my dad and step-mom from giving me a (guilt trip) birthday card 3 weeks later in the mail.

Btw I spent my birthday (A Saturday) in the library until it closed in which I went home and studied some more. There was no card on my birthday; there was no cake, just guilt from dad.


Anyways, as I said, I am going to try to be a good son today and forgive all that for a few hours to play nice.

I know I am already going to be drilled for not staying the night, which leads to not going to some Memorial Day shindig in Anniston tomorrow. I am sorry I do not see the purpose in standing up next to my step mom who wants more attention around her by having her father and me (who served in the military) next to her in public.

Memorial Day is about those who made the ultimate sacrifice and gave their lives. It’s not for Veterans (we get our own special day) It’s not for those who are still in the military, it’s not for BBQ's, grilling out, or parties, It certainly isn't for showing off your step kids who spent 5 years in the military.

Anyways I'm going to do it, I suppose I don’t have to say I'm not eager to go, but I'll manage. I hope that it will be a good time and I will enjoy a few hours with good old Dad. There just are buttons that should not even be looked at, much less pushed. It could be traumatic.

Moving on. . . .
Weds-Sunday I get to go back home to Indiana to help mom w/ a yard sale(SLASH) help clean up a house that she's selling. I say a house like it is not significance, but it actually is. It is my grandma's home, but she is in a home now. My step grandfather was living there, but passed away a few months ago. My uncle too was living there, but without airing out my family's dirty laundry, (he is no longer with us).
I actually am looking forward to the trip to Indiana though; I am going to take my camera and pictures to show folks what I use to live with. FLAT LAND that stretches as far as the eye can see.
Anyways for my suffering, I am treating myself to Huddle House (my favorite breakfast place) which is on the way to Dad's house.
I see there being a follow up post tonight after my 2-hour drive home.

My goal this week is to regulate my sleep. My first attempt is to try to stay awake all day today. This could actually be difficult, because I have not slept since Saturday, (up at 2pm Sunday until now). I feel like if I make it until eight or nine I should be all right.

I also started my work out up again since it was suddenly interrupted by the hassle that is college. I am doing P90X as a summer work out regiment and I will finish the 13 weeks just as school is starting. Since the last week is a rest week, and I have class only wed-Friday, so that should not be too horrible.

Exciting news, I am getting to make a trip home to Indiana next week. My mom inherited a house after the loss of a family member and I have been recruited for some good old Yankee manual labor. Mostly there just to help do any heavy lifting, run a yard sale, and do some cleaning up to make the house more sell-able. Anyways that is not until next week. I'm not really excited about driving all the way up to middle of nowhere in a corn field land, but it is something to do and it’s on mom's dime, not mine :-)

I need to do laundry, start working on my tan again, and find some sort of productivity out of life but Today I will settle for 2 out of 3 I think, or maybe 1 out of 3 unless a nap is productive.

Well the semester has ended. It was a pretty intense finals week last week. Enough that I didnt even think to post about how it was going.

I think I learned a lot that week in terms of right and wrong. Of course not as much about the material that would of been practical to know for a test, but in a way i learned something more important.

I think I've grown comfortable with the idea that I can find an angle w/ a class to make it easier to get a better grade, but so far I've yet to actually get one. Sure I've passed everything with flying colors, but I think I'm missing the point.

I work so hard to not have to learn the material, that I might as well focus my energy in opening the damn book for an hour instead of trying to find this week's quiz or that first mideterm online.

Instead of trying to recycle last year's homeworks into possible test questions, just study the material that the the questiones are garenteed to come from.

I guess what I'm trying to say is I want to have more integrity in my work and not be such a cheater when it comes to trying to get by.

Now i know some professors are just hard and having a heads up is nice. But I think knowing what is going to be on the test is not the same as what could be.

Goals for next year.


Till then, its Summer 2009!!!

My short term goals include playing through FFVII again and Beating GTA all the way through (Including all 200 pigeons)